Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
