Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
