He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
