textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
