You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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