If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You smell like stripper and shame
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
