I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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