Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
