dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
