Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Randomize