i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
