Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
