Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
