The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
