Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
You left your phone here
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