I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
