Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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