Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
