We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
