GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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