oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
