I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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