a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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