i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
He did a backflip because drugs
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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