he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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