Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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