I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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