So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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