My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
