we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i was born a porn star she said
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
