she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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