so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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