I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
