he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
