I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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