I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
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So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
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That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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