I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
