I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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