So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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