i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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