There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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