don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
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I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
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That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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