I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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