I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
