cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
