worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
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I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You dont lie about slip and slides
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Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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