well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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