I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
