you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
