I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
