sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
