Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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