New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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