I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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