I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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