More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
she looked like the before picture.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
