i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize
