maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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